So I was sitting by the fountain!

“Excuse me, I do not want to interrupt you guys but I found this paper over there. It is about a relationship study and it is a paid study and I am single and will you by my girlfriend?”

 

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No brain mode on!

“My left brain has nothing right and my right brain has nothing left.”

I am in sleepless night of emotion!

I am a person with an insatiable need for sleep. One more late hours at night and I would end up taking naps or dozing off in every place I could find. I have not spared a public bench, library chairs (even table sometimes) and a comfy sofa to rest my head on. 

But I have become an owl for past few days. I lay wide awake in my bed after hours of trying to fall asleep. It started one night after I drank decaf coffee that I had forgotten as usual because it felt bad to waste it. I was wide awake at 3 am trying hard to fall asleep. Nightmares from few nights ago would scare me once in a while but I was in a complete sound state of mind just craving to get some rest. Even the soothing music that would lull me to sleep did not work that night. Then, wide awake, without sleep, and in full frustration I vowed I would not drink coffee again. The promise that I kept with the following day filled with yawns and cranky mood. 

Few nights after, it was 5 am and I was still wide awake. My friend had suggested me to change my diet, work out to tire my body and which I did. I worked out and changed my diet but nothing seemed to work out. At all. For some reason, my scumbag brain would be so active all night long that it would come up with either great ideas to serve humanity or every possible ways I could die that night. 

Days followed by sleepless night, my body would be surprisingly working well.  I am still wondering how the hell my body still manages to be unresponsive to the level of exhaustion I am in. With swollen tomato-colored eyes that I ever had in the history of my life, I would lie in bed trying all the possible ways to fall asleep. I even tried listening to music to sleep soundtracks and podcast to help you sleep. But, nothing seemed to work. One night I lay, eyes wide open after force shut for hours, and then realized I could listen my eyes blink. I had never experienced such intimate moment with my eyes.

It has been 5 days and my body  has finally started responding. With this feverish feeling, tired eyes and still-mentally-active brain, I just wish I could fall asleep! Just fall asleep like I used to!

This song exactly describes my state of mind!

An ‘Aw Man’ day!!!

I was in a hurry and my bike chain came off. I had never EVER dealt such thing. Aw Man!

I took sandwich for my lunch. The cabbage pickle kinda smelled bad. Aw Man!

I worked on a big data set for a while and got some good results, only to realize some of the data were wrong. Aw Man!

I came home, got showered and mentally prepared to go to Giant’s game tomorrow. Got wrong tickets booked for. Aw Man!

Sleepless nights!

I drank coffee to sleep
then it drank all the sleep in me
i drank all the day in sleep
then it drank all the night in me…

so…

so the story starts with my breakup…i broke up with my boyfriend…i was not the same again…it was not the pain of losing someone but it was the pain that i had felt for years of not being myself..living for someone else, smiling for somebody’s happiness, then suddenly I was alone with myself and now I am a stranger to myself!!!

Soul Searching-From dishes to clothes to life!

I had noticed that I would clean my room, arrange my wardrobe and book shelves, and other stuffs in my room whenever I had a deadline. And it happens. Always ! Be it a paper submission, final exam or any other work like GRE exam that I decided to take like a month and half ago. I am pretty determined to take the test and apply for graduate school but somehow I find myself procrastinating from studying for the test. Yesterday, I found myself washing the dirty dishes stacked from three days ago and cleaning my rooms that had looked like someone had tore down my room for something precious.

Today, while I was thinking about it I just realized that somehow doing all those stuffs prevents me from getting stressed out. Arranging books and clothes gives me a sense that things will work out in my life. Things are not working out as I expected it to be and let alone my plans and it had never worked out anyways. I once tried enjoying the luxury of plans and it did not work. But stacks of books and clothes in order somehow pacify my soul that the elements of my life will someday be organized. And as I think of some of the decisions I made in my life, I can see many dirty dishes lying around at different corners that either my ego does not let me collect it or I am scared of some dark corners.  So, clean room and glass wares give me a sense that the mess in my life shall be cleaned up soon. With time.

But I must say living amidst bouts of cleanliness, there’s a beauty and joy in being disorganized and dirty. Mostly because I am too lazy of a girl.